Know your enemy? No need!

One of my mantras is that THERE’S NOTHING BROKEN IN YOU…NOTHING TO FIX!

I typically then coach others and myself around accepting and evolving into more of who YOU/THEY really are.

Deep in there where it counts.  

So when I came across this quote on Pinterest awhile back, at first I didn’t agree with the “flaws” part of it.

And then an incident occurred to me that brought this quote home in a

clarifying “oh geez, YES!” kind of way.

I recently had the opportunity (ahem) to share space with, (insert “opt-out” options not available),

someone that doesn’t care for me much.

(a lot of muches)!

For several hours.

What I found fascinating is that I relaxed, stayed in my own business, (which in short means I did not get in their head and make up crazy crap that I thought they were thinking), and just carried on a somewhat normal conversation.  Which also means for me that I was fairly transparent.  If you know me, you are aware that this is my normal personality.  Open, transparent and honest with my life happenings.  The only time I am not this way is if I allow someone or a situation to intimidate me, or I’m just in introvert re-fueling mode.

So after this “sharing of space”, a loved one became concerned that I had revealed too much.  Allowed myself to become too vulnerable to the “one who doesn’t care much(s) for me”.

I responded “It doesn’t matter”

Their mouth fell open

“No, really…it no longer matters to me what is done with any revealed transparency that transpired during the conversation. “

Historically, this issue has “eaten my lunch”.  People-approval addict that I have been in my life.

But I’m comfortable with me now.  All of me…perceived (by others) flaws and all.

Most of the time…Yes, I still have moments and phases of relapse like everyone else.

So when I saw this quote on Pinterest, it so concisely said exactly what happened that day that I had to share this.

It’s TRUE!

What can anyone do to you if you have accepted every part of who you are?

Once I thought about it and related it to this latest incident, I was astounded at how accurate it is.

Even those parts of me that my inner critic loves to pick on, I have learned to wave my hands at and profoundly proclaim

“meh”

Mostly because I am aware that my growth, beauty, self awareness, cultural awareness, intellectual pursuits, integrity, and presentation of myself, will evolve…or it won’t, in its own time, as I continue to live and love the life I’m creating.

And I’m ok with where I am in that process.

Regardless of any investigative flaw seeking happening around me.

******************************************

***disclaimer*** I do however, reserve the right to have a “bitch session”, rant and rave with my closest of friends, the audacity of some people to pick others apart, and moan miserably that I had to endure the

“no opt-out” incident.

Oh…and…this doesn’t apply to someone “investigative flaw seeking” those I love.  It then becomes “GURL…hold my earrings!”

just kidding…kind of

The Self-Doubt Dis-ease/Climbing Mt. Self Worth

My name is Connie Pace.  And I’m a doubter.  It is my Nemesis of choice(?).  The most difficult affliction I’ve had to overcome in my life. Oh that there were Olympic medals presented to those of us who have been given the opportunity in this life, to climb the treacherous mountain of self-worth from the below-sea-level valley of self-doubt again and again.  

While self doubt is common among all who experience reasoning ability, I’m targeting those of us who experience self doubt to the debilitating degree that it often sabotages our ability to work, love, create and play.  Those who feel a total eclipse of the light of joy during a “doubt attack”.  

Like a migraine coming on, vision slowly becomes dark as we slip down the mountain, deep into the valley.  Once there, it can get so overwhelmingly dark and painful, that we can’t see a way out.  

While it sounds similar to a depressive episode, it’s a completely different dynamic. 

It can begin as small as receiving a disapproving look (or a look WE perceive as disapproving), a tone of a text, or a lack of response to an email  can trigger our minds to begin the descent.  We descend a few steps and then begin the hypersensitive mind search for evidence.  “Oh yeah, he hasn’t been very attentive lately”, or “they left me out of their plans on purpose”, etc. So we continue on, gathering further evidence that we lack what it takes to continue our upward climb to the peak of Mt. Self Worth, where “everybody else” is.  

The rope slips a little, we notice a blister on our hand.  “See? I even forgot to wear appropriate climbing gear!”  Slip—-

“And by the way, ” says the mind search patrol, “have you noticed your disorganized house lately?  You also haven’t bathed your dog or changed your sheets in two weeks.”  Slip—-2 more steps downward

“You’ve always had this problem ya know.  I don’t know why you think you’re capable of getting to the top now.  You keep setting yourself up!  You and your dreams…You don’t have what it takes. Your dreams are too big. You can’t handle all that you have now!”

Sliding now, we begin to be suspicious of everyone’s good intentions toward us.  We notice our relationship going south, our business drying up, and we believe the lie.  We believe it is due to our gross inability to function in the world as a normal, happy, adult on top of Mt. Self Worth like “everyone else”.  We are masters at seeing our every flaw, and envious of others’ brilliance.  Never recognizing our own areas of genius during a slide.

We crave others approval and attention, not realizing that during our descent and final crash to the valley, while bottom-feeding, we have snuffed out the very light and brilliance that attracts anyone living on the top of Mt. Self Worth.  Instead we draw other bottom feeders.  This is where we get fired, divorced, evicted, or ill.  Or something in between.

Of course until that point not many residents at the top are aware of our descent because we could never ask for help.  No one on the top of Mt. Self Worth can ever know how difficult this climb is, we believe. It’s a shameful dis-ease that we somehow brought on ourselves right?  

I have lived this and sabotaged my climb in so many scenarios that I believe I’m beginning to build an immunity to it.  🙂

Though I continue my research to find a “cure”, or at least better remedies, I have discovered enough and lived them to share with those I coach…and you.  

“At these times, we must be very firm with ourselves and not pick up the first doubt.  We simply cannot allow the first negative thinking to take hold.  Taking in the first doubt is like picking up the first drink for an alcoholic.  Once in our system, the doubt will take on another doubt–and another.  Doubting thoughts can be stopped, but it takes vigilance to do it.  “Maybe the critic was right…” and then boom, we must go into action:  “You are a good artist, a brave artist, you are doing well.  It’s good that you did the work…” Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way

To begin learning to safely navigate the ascent to the peak of Mt. Self Worth, a few climbing tips:

1. Reach out and find support from those who dwell on Mt. Self Worth who have made the ascent.  Never rely on other bottom feeders OR on self worth dwellers who have no idea what the valley looks like.  (Yes, there are actually humans who were given a nice dose of self worth “genes” from the start who haven’t a clue of this affliction).   Regardless of their “credentials”, you have one question:  “Have you ever been a bottom feeder? When and how?” Ok, that’s three questions.  (they must qualify for the “Walking Dead” in-group!) If a therapist, life coach, friend, etc., gets offended or stoically refuses to fess up with transparent honesty, kindly walk away.  They can help you about as much as I could teach you how to speak French. (It’s the only class in which I ever made below a “C” ) 
2. Prepare in advance.  Begin a brag journal book when you are living on Mt. Self Worth, or at least when you are contentedly climbing.  A brag book will contain every life success you can think of, from mastering homemade macaroni, to receiving your master’s in zoology.  It will contain photos of successes, comments, articles that inspire, things you love about yourself, things others say that are fantastic about you, your work, gifts, talents, the cool way you dress, the hug your son gave you during a rare teen-age moment of appreciation.  It will be a reminder of everything you’ve done beautifully–both your opinion and others.  You will use this for evidence during mudslides. When the critic on your shoulder is yapping at you, it feels like truth because your fight or flight has taken over and you can’t see clearly how to climb out of the attack.  
3. Make a timeline.  Show events that appeared to be self imposed set backs that actually turned out well.  This will give you hope that in spite of sliding downward a few steps, you will always recover.
4. Self Love– Rather than fighting yourself–kicking yourself when you’re already sliding downward, or fighting every thought that arises, offer the thought a dose of evidence based love. (“Because the antidote for shame is self-love and self-praise” Julia Cameron)  “Ok, the dog didn’t get bathed this time, but it’s never too late to bathe the dog.  You have bathed the dog in the past, so it’s ok to not be perfect.  The dog doesn’t really care or suffer honey, so what’s the worst thing that will happen.  You’ve been incredibly busy dear–cut yourself some slack.”         COMPASSION…COMPASSION…COMPASSION
5. In the midst of a downward spiral, watch for sparks.  Sparks of inspiration and “aha” moments often will occur as an act of mercy from the benevolent powers that be, to help you begin again or continue the ascent to Mt. Self Worth.  For example: during a doubting phase of building my Life Coach practice, I received a message from a client about her miraculous progress in a situation we had worked on together.  She was so genuinely complimentary of my skill at helping her see a different perspective, that I immediately used it as evidence against my self doubt attack.  It was a spark to recharge my climbing battery pack again.  It could be as simple as a hug from a fellow climber to provide the connective spark that gets you through two more footholds.  (**caution**: your bottom feeding critic will often attempt to minimize these sparks—-)

It’s my experience that some of the strongest, most talented and brilliant people I know have been afflicted with excruciating self doubt dis-ease.  Perhaps it is a humbling device?  🙂  Nevertheless, with tools to catch it’s initial attack, the descent gets shorter–ascent and recovery time becomes quicker and severity of the attack is more manageable with each climb.  

And know that you can trust the benevolent powers that be

And you can trust yourself!

What? I have a body?

“Most of the time you don’t act as if you HAVE a body!”

Words from a friend a week ago that made me ponder my attitude towards this physical thing that transports me

everywhere I want to go.

 It’s just a vehicle for my wonderful soul and brain right?

 Oh bother!

Until it breaks.

Or something begins smoking under the hood.

And I’ve never been one to try to understand the mechanics of any vehicle…I just stand on the side of the road, Damsel in Distress, with the pleading eyes, waving my hankie and crying:  “Hayelp, Hayelp! “

But the last few weeks, I’ve had some heart issues.  Episodes of tightness in my chest, taking my breath away, cold sweat, & weakness that felt a lot like contractions towards the end of giving birth.  I can’t even speak during them.  And I refused to go the Emergency Room every time.

Not me…I’m the strong one.  I’m never sick.

 I will not go where all those sick people are.  I’m fine!  I don’t even have high blood pressure or cholesterol issues and I’m not overweight (by most medical standards anyway)  I’ve never been to an ER or even been hospitalized with the exception of giving birth three times.

But to appease my husband, my grown children and my dad, I made an appointment with a cardiologist.  So I went…and was scheduled to return in a few weeks for tests.  

See?  He didn’t see it as emergent!  So I don’t think I’m going to follow up…it’s ok…it’s not my heart, it’s probably reflux or something.  I’m not going.

Remember Gilligan? Of Gilligan’s Isle  “You can’t make me, you can’t make me”

That’s how I was.

So my vehicle or…body, began smoking under the hood a lot more.  Like to the tune of five episodes the day before my tests.  Which were this week.

So dammit, I went.

Kicking and screaming the whole way (metaphorically of course)

I must be transparent here and admit that I am not one to pay a whole lot of attention to my body.  Except to be paranoid about it’s flaws, it’s aging, and occasionally finding pretty things to put on it.  I’ve worked on accepting the way it looks, but not about accepting the way it WORKS.

I am a soul coach.

I care deeply about the nature of heart and soul of both myself and my clients.  I live from my heart (not the physical organ mind you-HA!), and my soul.

 I see past bodies and look deeply into others souls as well.

And I’m very good at it.

 I now have the opportunity to see another perspective.

Even when I dance (which lately has been sporadic), I dance from the soul, paying very little attention to how my body interacts with it.   Awesome right?  A dancer who doesn’t know she has a body.  

So I went.

 And I felt broken somehow, old, ashamed of my neglect, ashamed that I was sitting in a waiting room full of people a lot older than myself.

 I was impatient and a complete whiner about spending most of my day (ok half of my day)  in a caffeine deprived state,  letting people put their hands all over my chest!

 I was embarrassed that I got completely winded walking fast on the treadmill/stress test and was asked how much I did not exercise.  🙂

 I felt…WEAK!!!  

I felt vulnerable.

 Like somehow it is a weakness to need anyone’s help with my body.  

Or to give it a rest, except during appropriate bedtime hours.

Even when I’ve not felt well in the past, rather than rest in bed, like the terminator, I would find a way, crawl if I have to, to get things done.

I felt like I had done something wrong and  everyone would know how neglectful I’ve been if I have any outward signs of physical need.

I vowed like a Scarlett O’hara :  As long as I live, I swear I will NOT spend my days at a medical facility!  I would rather die first!  

And here I sit wearing a heart monitor for the last 24 hours.

Odd how others stare when someone is wearing medical equipment, or obvious bandages or has an obvious medical condition.

 “Weak!” says the voice in my head…

“It’s your fault”,

“You’ve done something wrong”,

“Something is obviously wrong with you”,

“why don’t you take better care of yourself?”

“what are you going to do about this now, loser?”

 See what little meanies our thoughts can be?

Until I took the time to literally ask my heart.  “What do you want?”

And she said:

“I want you to be kinder to me. “

“It’s ok to ask for help to take care of my physical aspects too.”

“I seek your attentiveness to our physical needs.”

“Expand your care-taking to include our body”

So I’m looking under the hood to see what needs cleansing, what needs replacing, what belts are worn thin, and giving it an oil change.

 It’s  well over 3,000 miles.

Always…

And I’m looking at the painting I have on my wall with a whole new perspective.

Striving to Change From a Place of Shame–Epic Fail

This quote from a Facebook friend so eloquently depicts my following blog post, that you could read just this and skip the rest.  But don’t, because the rest of the post is full of juicy life experience and may help you to see yourself from a different perspective.

“I must learn to love the fool in me–the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of my human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my Fool.” ―Theodore Isaac Rubin

True Life Scenario #1

“But I must STRIVE for integrity!” she said with clenched jaw, her icy raised tone chasing my cheery Pollyanna mood under the table.  “What YOU are suggesting is that I embrace the faults, the procrastinator in me, the lazy slob, the selfish wench.  SHE is NOT me!  So I must drive those traits out of me or I will fail!”

“How long have you been striving for integrity?” I asked, pulling cheery Pollyanna from under the table to position her for the next blow.

“Well, I’m 54, so I guess…all of my life.”  Chin tilts upward, defiant flash of something in her eyes.

“So how’s the ‘striving’ working for ya?”  I bluntly ask, looking for a  shield of some sort nearby..

Deep sigh…”Well, I guess I wouldn’t be here talking with YOU if it worked.  You’re supposed to exorcise that right?  I mean, I refuse to allow incompetence, laziness and lack of integrity in my life.”  There it is again…that flash of something.  Wait…it’s fear with a generous dose of shame.  Shame’s  defiant face with the shadow behind the eyes.

True Life Scenario #2

During a minor perimenopausal/ PMS meltdown recently, by the end of the day I felt like I had been fighting relentless mental zombies.  Trying to pinpoint my emotional valley,  I sat down late that night and wrote all of the thoughts I’d had that day that were self denigrating.

It took very little time to generate 2 1/2 pages of shaming, scathing bullet points.  And those were just the ones I remembered!

The range of thoughts scanned my entire identity noting each perceived character flaw in just about every area of my life.  It’s no wonder that by the end of the day, I felt the need to relieve the world of my horrid self, perhaps by attempting to kayak alone to an island in the Gulf.  “No one would miss me at all!”  I thought, “In fact, after 72 hours, the smiles would return to their faces and pharmaceutical companies would face bankruptcy shortly thereafter!”

Self bashing—Self Shaming—only serves to create an injured soul.  A soul who now feels it has to prove to the world that they are NOT injured.  In ways that are completely exhausting.  It takes a lot of energy and overcompensating to urge an injured soul to perform.

I see it in my clients and others faces all the time.  Weary of trying so hard to over-rule the ticker in their brain telling them they are not good enough, not smart enough, not kind enough, disciplined enough, ambitious enough—All of the not, Not, NOTS!  Or the should, Should SHOULD’s…spinning them around–motivating their behaviors.

Making the mind our master when “The mind is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master”, (an Asian saying taken from Steering by Starlight, by Martha Beck).

While there are many effective tools I use in Life Coaching, here’s what I did with this particular 2 1/2 pages of “soot”.

I looked at all of those bullet points and said out loud  “So WHAT!!!”

And I immediately felt relief.  Even laughter at some of the familiar ones that my critic loves to wallow in.

What Mr. Rubin in the quote above calls the “Fool”, Martha Beck calls the “Contrarian self” in her book Steering by Starlight.  Learning to accept and even embrace the bratty, contrarian self, oddly enough begins healing the wound.

Self-Loathing doesn’t motivate most of us—–it paralyzes us from taking action from a creative loving place.

Cracking the whip, powering through situations, “Doing the Work” as Steven Pressfield so eloquently writes about, isn’t effective if we’re taking action from a place of shame, self criticism or fear.

Lasting change–Deep, Authentic, Revelatory CHANGE—which feels like love, peace and acceptance, doesn’t occur from shaming, fearful motivating.

Taking action from a place of shame is like a band-aid on a bullet wound.  You may have covered the injury, but the bullet remains inside, festering.

Acceptance then, of my inadequate self, my rebellious free spirited self, the one who doesn’t want to “Do The Work”, is key ironically, to “Doing The Work”!

Once I said “SO WHAT!!!” to all of my nasty bullet points of shame, simply accepting my imperfections, my lazy side, my dark side, my humanity–Just allowing myself to feel what I feel!  I felt clarity.

The action that followed stemmed more from a loving, creative place.

Rather than, for example, scrubbing my house from a place of anger at my sloth–I scrubbed to create a clean, fresh- feeling environment.   Not through effort at willing myself to change-my-attitude-dammit, but honestly through acceptance of the self that played hard and didn’t clean the week before.

This kind of thinking doesn’t come easily due to our cultural programming of “get-er-done” or to the perfection-seeking side of us.  But it absolutely adds to the notion of “getting more bees with honey”.  Try it in one small area of your life, and if you’d like, post the results here.

As always, thank you for taking the time to read my musings of the fascinating creatures that we are!  🙂

LADIES! “Why do you always do these things”?

Standing in the lobby, I sensed it before it registered in my periphery.  She began with my hair, and a look of disgust on her face, while her eyes traveled the whole of my body all the way to my boots.  Eyebrows rose for emphasis in whatever conversation she had going on in her head.   There had been a condescending tone in her voice earlier, during our brief, highly superficial conversation, yet I was able to dismiss it somewhat.  One would think I had just walked into some PTA meeting in stilettos, a halter top and sporting a “Do Me” tattoo! 

I told myself that I would work through this later.  Now isn’t the time to let it get to me.  So I took a deep breath, and switched from genuine, authentic me, to fake Barbie girl.  For the next little while, life seemed foggy.  In stop motion fashion, faces floated by me, their mouths moving,   me being “the smiling Barbie” and feeling nothing.  I call this my autopilot mode.  It’s what I’ve done in the past when I’m in situations that are uncomfortable.   Some might label this dissociative and they might be right, but it certainly worked well for me historically.  It’s the way I functioned quite a bit in my young adult life.  This time around, thanks to my insightful training, a supportive spouse holding me accountable to be completely authentic, present in the moment, a loving step-daughter and sons,  (and other supportive friends & family),   it was short-lived. 

Before I get into the life coachy nuts and bolts of this thing, I would like to say a couple of things to women who enjoy playing this shame game & who have no desire for introspection /growth for the benefit of their own gender.

Profundity aside now, let’s move on.  

So there I was…BAM…! I had just experienced the sinking feeling of smallness, inadequacy and numbing (shame triggers) and it sidetracked me for a time.    As I’ve now had time to go back to the moment and look closely at exactly what caused me to lose my authentic grip and become the Barbie, I’ll explain what comes up now as I’m replaying the events.

Now, intellectually I know that I looked pretty. I was wearing a long flowy beautiful dress, my step-daughter had performed magic on my hair, a friend made custom earrings and bracelet for me, and my sister-in-law loaned me a beautiful diamond necklace and handbag.  (it truly took a village!)  KNOWING these facts does NOT prevent a shame trigger. 

According to Brene’ Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, in her book Daring Greatly, we must learn to practice shame resilience.  “But resilience requires cognition, or thinking, and that’s where shame has a huge advantage.  When shame descends, we almost always are hijacked by the limbic system.  In other words, the prefrontal cortex, where we do all of our thinking and analyzing and strategizing, gives way to that primitive fight or flight part of our brain. “  (pg. 76) …”and the pain of shame is enough to trigger that survival part of our brain that runs, hides, or comes out swinging.” 

Uh-oh, there I was in LIMBIC SYSTEM HELL.

Ok, so I’m experiencing shame…now what?

As I imagine myself back in the scene watching the look of disgust, tears begin to form and I feel small and want to hide.   Memories come back of what I’ve heard in the past:  “You’re too thin…tall and lanky…boney…straighten that frizzy mess on your head.”  Sadness wells up in me.  Sadness?  And it dawns on me.  Aha!  I’m allowing the look of disgust to shame me because somewhere inside I’m being self-critical, icky, and bitchy to ME!  We were both doing the same thing!  The “she-disgusting-look-giver” was also being self-critical or she would not have a need to judge.   So I’m learning that what’s happening on the inside tends to manifest on the outside and clues us in to areas in our lives that need some work.   If my little inner critic had not been already chiding me into feeling self-conscious,  I might not have given the situation a second thought.

When we are secure with who we are in the world, and content with our own lives, we actually WANT others to shine,  we are more forgiving, and we overlook others’ flaws.  It is my belief that by practicing self compassion, self-love, we can overcome the inner critic…and the manifestation of criticizing others even while experiencing an occasional shame attack.

So go to the root…feeling critical of your spouse’s slobbery?  Where are YOU being  critical of your own slobbing out? 

As a self help junkie, and student of human behavior, a Life Coach no doubt, one would think that I would have mastered this by now.  (although it’s an ongoing process, I have high expectations)   🙂 Yet, culturally we aren’t taught to love ourselves.  As a result there’s a cycle of Fear and Lack (i.e. I Am Not Enough), and Compare/Despair  (my appearance, abilities, life, etc. are not as good as hers) .

Brene recommends three things we can do :

•  Instead of hiding, “ honor who we are by sharing our experience with  someone who has earned the right to hear it—someone who loves us, not despite our vulnerabilities, but because of them. “
• Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you really love while comforting them during a meltdown. “Normally during a shame attack we talk to ourselves in ways we would never talk to people we love and respect.”

I see this as the self compassion piece that helped me a bit later to talk to the logical part of my brain as well as my inner critic. 

• “Own the story.  Don’t bury it and let it fester or define me. “…  “When we bury the story we forever stay the subject of the story.  If we own the story, we get to narrate the ending.”

When you next find yourself in judgment mode or on the receiving end (if it’s causing a shame response, anger, ickiness, sadness, and dissociative tendencies), check your self compassion/self-love odometer and you may find you’ve slipped back into letting your inner critic run wild.  It truly IS a practice.  But one that would most certainly benefit a lot of wounded women I know.

(NOTE:  Title credit goes to our 3 year old grandson Kai.  When frustrated with adult repetitive behavior that doesn’t suit him, he throws his arms open and says “why do you always do these things?”  )  I decided it was quite appropriate for the nature of this post.   Thank you Kai!  Love, CiCi